Tuesday, January 15, 2008

How to kill a Lion in banking style ?

HSBC Method :

Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his
expectation, Never say with him to do any work upto six months, after six
months tell him that now you have to fullfil ur yearly target within six
months otherwise u will be kickout from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that
if he loose this lazy animals jungle where he will go.

ICICI method:

Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him lower salary than his
politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss,
collegues,designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. Remove
all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving them VRS. If he kills 2
goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there
are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and
restructuring.

HDFC method:

Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat . Give him lots of ESOPs and
grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.


Citibank method:

Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score
90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat.
Lion dies of the strain.

ABN AMRO method:

Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature
delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a
townhall and if not delivered humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of
excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in Terminal.

StanChart method 1:

Hire a lion, motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him
with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the
jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion......

StanChart method 2:
Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of overexpectation
and no results.............




Kotak method :

Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume.
Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives
in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.

RBI Method:

Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend
the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the
jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any
fox,wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page
circular. Lion dies of boredom.

3 comments:

santhi said...

i am not aware of banking jobs, but these practice are found in most of corporates, its really interesting to know in ur style..

Veera said...

Killing A Lion

1. Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

2. Kamala Haasan Method: Go near the lion and cry like anything.... Lion will die of sorrow!

3. Jayalalitha Method: Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping!

4. Manirathnam Method (director): Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

5. Balachandar Method (director): Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

6. Shankar Method (director): Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

7. Shah Rukh Khan method: Release a film like "ASHOKA" and make the lion to watch the movie.

8. Govinda Method: Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

9. Rahul Dravid Method: Ask the lion to bowl at you. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.

10. Maneka Gandhi Method: save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

11. George bush method: Link the lion with Osama bin Laden and shoot him.

Cheers
Veera

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